Overload - Damn Loopholes!

Damn Loopholes!

By Wesley Boynton

Sales calls are annoying because they combine two, absolutely necessary elements. Sales, And calling.

You, among every other living being on earth, including the rare east-western gnu, has been assaulted by a sales call before, correct?

Usually, these calls are boring, though they make a huge effort to remember how to mispronounce your name. They generally sound something like this:

[Ring-Ring]

You: Hello?

Annoying Salesperson: Yes, are you Ms. Weasely Boyton?

You: Um, I'm male, and my name is Wesley Boynton.

ASP: Sorry, Mr. Voynton

You: BOYNTON!

ASP: You sound angry

You: YOU SCREWED UP MY NAME, AND GENDER, THREE TIMES! NO, REALLY?

ASP: Only twice, actually.

You: AGH!

ASP: I know what'll cheer you up!

You: Earplugs?

ASP: Nope! A subscription to “Chainsaw Monthly”!

You: Sorry, but no. Put me on your “No call list”

ASP: Uh, sorryo senor, thereo iso noa listo youo espeaka ofo

You: JUST DON'T CALL ME!

[Click]

[Ring]

You: Hello?

ASP: Are you...

And so on and so forth, until you give up and buy the damn chainsaw. Well that's about to change. Or not.

You see, for years, we've made up ways to shut-up advertising, and for years, they find some damn loophole to bug us with again. There's always the dreaded "No Call List", But they get around that by sending pecitularly user-friendly mail-contracts like this:

"We concisely state that the one Mr. Wesley W. Boynton agrees that Telecom may call his place of residence at any time, and herein, that no specific lists, public or private, may kiss the bride. I now pronounce you father, son, and the holy spirit. Thank-you very much, and please note that any resemblance to any non-fictional persons, living or dead, is completely the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.

SIGN HERE OR INNOCENT PEOPLE MAY DIE*_____________

Thanks, customer service

*Not really. If you believed that, you're an idiot.

And of course, there's always the mail approach.

"GRANDPA! YOU HAVE MAIL!"

So I vote we LASH OUT AND BRUTALLY DESTROY THE LOOPHOLES! How, you ask? The same way we attacked low-riding pants. Call it racism, sexism, or a number of other "ism"s, and let law enforcement do the rest. Or use welding tools. Welding tools are still the answer. Just pop on your mask, start it up, aim, and FIRE! No more telemarketers, no more date offers, and no more Damn Loopholes!