TITLE

The Government Is Doomed

By Wesley Boynton

In Doom I, you went to hell. In Doom II, You went to hell again. In Doom III, they're completely re-doing the concept. This time, you go to see Michael Jackson.

Recently, I heard about a man who was representing an agency trying to keep away violent games from the market being interviewed by a man from the government. Apparently, as soon as the man from the agency started listening, the only thing he could say was "When is Doom III coming out?"

Yes, the makers of Doom 3 (motto: Sorry, we had to delay the release of our motto. Should be out in the fall.) have made many fans very mad by repeatedly delaying the title. Recently however, a demo was shown at the E3 convention (Electronic Entertainment Expo) (motto: To continue to think up weird acronyms that only columnists with nothing else to do can remember.) that revolutionized games. You literally go to heck for the third time and shoot everything that moves with taxpayer's money. See how far Bush has gotten us?

Seriously though, we have to think back to our roots in Doom I. You literally go to hell for the first time and shoot everything that moves with taxpayer's money. See how far Bush Sr. got us? And we can't forget Doom II. You literally go to heck for the second time and shoot everything that moves with taxpayer's money. See how far Clinton got us? And I'm sure that Doom IV will be riveting. See how far Martha Stewart is going to get us? Let's all go get copies of Her autobiography. “My Life: Martha Stewart Living: In Jail – This week: how to get Alan Greenspun on espresso”

Now, how are we to fix this problem, solve the argument, and all together bring world peace? One word. Welding tools. Shut up. Yes, welding tools are the answer, giving us life, liberty, and the pursuit of large flames, arson, and mal-practice lawsuits. Need to get past the “No M-rated games under 17” rule? Here's a basic demonstration to show you the difference.

Salesperson: Welcome to Sir Ri Poff's games. How can I Help you?

You: May I purchase Doom III?

Salesperson: No.

END OF SCENE

Salesperson: Welcome to Sir Ri Poff's games. How can I Help you?

You With welding tools: May I purchase Doom III? (Flames start)

Salesperson: Um... I think that it would be best if-

You With welding tools: SILENCE, MORTAL!

Salesperson: AGH! One Doom III Coming up!!!

You With welding tools: Damn straight.

Salesperson: Hav-Have a nice da-day...

So go get welding tools. And maybe we can still save the government. Nah, not really. It was screwed years ago.