A Script By Wesley Boynton It's all a Russian conspiracy to remove all death, destruction, and celebrity references from the seemingly innocent fairy tales of your youth. First the Grimm brothers were finally heard. Now it's time for liberation. Dr. Phil: Many know the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Or at least
they think they do. But, our friends at the National Enquirer have
alerted us of a fatal error in translation from Algreezianish, which was
the original language. We’ve got a guest witness in the studio, who
claims to know the real story. Michael Jackson: My lawyer has advised me not to disclose that information. Dr. Phil: So about that story… Michael Jackson: It was a bright and rainy day. And little boys and girls happily flocked through the sewer-rat infested meadows. Little Red Riding hood, as you know her, was actually named Martha Stewart. Her mother, Britney Spears, gave her a basket to take to her dear sweet father, Clay Aiken, who was working with dreadfully ill people in a new hospital across the village. The basket was filled with medicines of every sort, and a SARS WARS t-shirt. Little Marta was advised by the "elders" (M. Night Shyamalan and other annoying directors) not to go into the forest, for there were monsters (and critics) to eat her if she strayed too far away. So, she skipped down the middle of the village, singing happily along with the whistling birds. A while later, she was approached by a wolf. Frank Wolf to be exact. The politician asked what she was doing. “I’m going to the other side of the village to give this basket to my father.” “Would you like some candy?” “Yes! Thank you!” “What kind?” “Caramel!” “What brand?” “Werther’s!” “How big?” “Really, really big!” “Why?” “Why do you keep asking me questions?” “Because I’m a politician! I have to avoid the end result!” Simply disregarding him as an old man, she walked away. However, Wolf ran ahead and began slinging mud upon the poor doctor. Blinded, he was easily stuffed into an empty supply closet. Wolf stole his uniform and facemask, and ran off. Little Martha arrived shortly after, and entered. Looking around, she noticed that everybody was running around screaming. “Why are you screaming? “Because all of our patients are going to die! “What!?” “This is the set of ER! They always almost die! Then they magically come out of three comas and are cured of anthrax!” “Oh.” As she entered the elevator, she promptly found the door shut button, so as not to let any screaming people on. She reached the thirteenth floor, and ran to her father’s office, screaming, “Father! Father!” As she entered, she took a look at her “father”. “Father, what big useless defibrillators you have!” “All the better to build dramatic tension with, my dear.” “Father, what big stuff you have!” “Father! What big– Um… – What's that big machine there?” “It’s a stove, darling. All the better to ea–” At that very moment, a woodsman ran in and caged him. “What’s going on?” she asked. “That’s a pretty good idea, jailing politicians! You should run for office, and bring about some change!” So, he became president, and was promptly caged by his brother, calling him a traitor. Martha Stewart was eaten, and her remaining limbs were caged for fraud and poisonous candy. And Congressman Wolf lived happily ever after in his cage. Dr. Phil: That’s really what happened? Michael Jackson: My lawyer has advised me not to disclose that information. Dr. Phil: Can’t you say anything else? |
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© 2004-2007 Wesley Boynton, all rights reserved. Don't steal my stuff, assholes. |
