By Wesley Boynton

A few days ago, my English teacher pointed out that it is not smart to e-mail a teacher in IM Gibberish. No, really? Let's think. Why would we not only contact a teacher at all, but in IMish? Why would we drive a teacher to the point of stating the obvious? Why would we surrender to the forces of U = You? Because it's fun.

If you plan to e-mail a teacher, especially about how much he/she taught you, you do not say:

"Yo, Ms Tchr, thx 4 tchng me 4wesum grmr n' splng!

Thx so mch,

-****** *****"

You just don't. If anything, make it sound like a legal document (I.E. Use words that fit into the category of "have eight letters or more, and only five percent of the population knows what it means.")

To help, I've provided a short list:

Hereafter

Thereafter

Entitled

Aforementioned

Grapefruit

Etc.

Also, Somewhere, you should mention the effect the teacher had on your life ("Now I know to wait until science to go to the bathroom!") And how nice they look ("You look better than Bette Davis/Regis Philbin!")

OR

When this document is complete, here are a few steps to make sure it gets to the right place.
1. Triple-fold it neatly

2. Lick the envelope carefully

3. Use a wax seal

4. Over-stamp it

5. Address and label it properly

6. Burn it

You see, teachers can't stand being contacted by their current students, much less former ones.

This leads me to my last step.

7. If you do contact a teacher, make sure you have a good lawyer. Or a paramedic. Or a shrink.  Or Welding Tools.

© 2004-2007 Wesley Boynton, all rights reserved.  Don't  steal my stuff, assholes.