TITLE

Summer Vacation

By Wesley Boynton

Yeah, It’s a nerd’s biggest drag. Live with it, High-Pants.

What are we talking about?

Let’s first take a look at what summer is. There are a few sides to this.

A MAN’S SIDE: Summer is somewhat like the master’s golf tournament, the superbowl, and the “HUNGRY MAN” commercials all rolled into three months.

MAIN GOAL: Blow the rent money on gambling and risk losing ten bucks.

A WOMAN’S SIDE: Summer is the time to make friends, lose them, get them back again, buy shoes, buy bags they’ll never use, and buy four swimsuits that will be too small by the time you even get to use them.

MAIN GOAL: Blow a lot more than the rent money on all of the above and risk your husband seeing the credit card bill.

A KID’S SIDE: Summer is the time to make friends, get in a fight, make friends, get in a fight, make friends, get in a fight, Beg your parents for stuff, make friends, get in a fight...

MAIN GOAL: To be able to figure out how the heck babies really are made...

What’s in your bag?

Here are a few essential items for summer with brief descriptions.

MEN’S ITEMS:

Red Bull Energy Drink: An amazingly powerful energy drink that substitutes getting high. (Source: Dave Barry)

Magazines: Essential for any constipated guy who craves amusement.

X-Lax: Replacement for above.

WOMEN’S ITEMS:

Ten pairs of shoes: Well I have to have one for shopping, and one for formal occasions, and one for the spaceship...

Five Bathing Suits: Well I have to have one for the pool, and one for the spa, and one for the lake...

Coin purse in a purse in a mini-backpack in a tote bag in a trash bag...: Well, it’s not like you actually think I might go without my makeup and toiletries and my umbrella and my visor and my shades and my makeup, and my food processor...

KID’S ITEMS:

Game Boy: “To use if I get bored”

Magazines: “To use if I get bored”

CD Player: “To use if I get bored”

Xbox: “To use if I get bored”

Hobo: “To—What The???”

How to save some cash.

We all get on a budget sometimes. Here are a few ways to save some dough. (And a few luxuries not to give up)

MEN’S WAYS:

Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper?

Mattresses? Who needs mattresses?

NO! NOT THE TV!

WOMEN’S WAYS:

No lights.

No room service.

No water.

No fun.

KID’S WAYS:

No worries, We’re rich anyway.

So when you decide to book a trip, book it with the cheapest pop-up you can find. (And if you find a winning banner number for that green Xbox, THAT’S MINE!)