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Valentine's Day
By Wesley Boynton
Ah,
teenage love.
So young, so pure, and so utterly destructive.
Ah, February 14th…
The wonderful day of the year in which people give gifts, receive
gifts, and are smacked for forgetting gifts…
All in the name of love.
Each year, the SCA (Super Cool Acronym for
Student Council Administration -- Suddenly, Crappy Ass Stuff Costs A
School's Caring Officials) provides one flower for each student,
signifying that these future leaders of tomorrow respect your voting for
them (And if you didn’t, it’ll sure make you feel guilty…
For a small fee, you can also make a signature on other’s
valentine cards, because there’s no better way to frustrate the person
sitting next to the receiver.
Now, as you may imagine, I may not have much
knowledge in these matters, but I will do my best to use “Educated
Guessing” to create a small list of ways to impress the certain person
you may like this valentines day, without actually letting your secret
slip.
- Stare
intently at the person
- Pay
no attention to anything else. Focus
on nothing but them, including breathing.
- Always
make sure to use a breath mint.
Or two. Or a few
packs… I mean, it
can’t really hurt, can it?
- Continue
to stare intently at the person
- Are
your eyes dried out yet?
Now that you have this handy, improvised guide
to valentine cheer, stop reading this article right now (Really, I’m
surprised you haven’t already), and go out and impress the person.
…………….
Back already?
How’d it go? You
say that the school newspaper now has photos of you staring at the
person and has printed an article around it?
Oops, my bad…
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| To continue, there are certain precautions to
take on this day. Often, as
you enter the building, you may be pelted with candy hearts reading out
phrases such as “U R Cute” and “Need $ Plz.”
Do not fear, for these are simply your admirers.
You see, this day is so filled with love, that even those who
pelt chalky, colored rocks at you still like you.
Interesting, no?
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