Overload - Potter Party 2.0

Harry Potter: We Know You Bought It

By Wesley Boynton

Everyone Dies. Ten bucks down.

For what, may I ask, is more fun than spending four hours in a Borders bookstore watching giddy little wannabe-British children wave their wooden sticks here and about, and to listen to the ceaseless sounds of children exclaiming "A chance at getting the book? You didn't pre-order?"

Meanwhile I sit in the corner making use of my laptop as well as a copy of the classic tale, Candide, which I have absolutely no intent of purchasing.

Where could such fun be had, you ask? Only at a Harry Potter release party.

Before describing to you the wonders - or rather, horrors-of a party of this caliber, I will regale you with a recap of my last experience.

To begin, I met up with former fellow Overload writer, Luke Bean, with who I walked around for a while, speaking to everyone as if I were British, and naïvely thinking they believed me. As we continued through the building, I used the restroom as humans often do, only to have my eyes assaulted by the vision of a young man, looking to be about fifteen, urinating into the sink. Needless to say, I washed my hands in the other sink.

So far at this party, a man, presumably the manager of the operation, has been been using a fairly badly distorted PA system, speaking as enthusiastically as he is large. For those incapable of making a simple inference, that means he's going on three hundred pounds, to estimate.

There is no shortage of people in robes and colorful outfits, and one would almost think they were at a ComiCon, or rather a D&D convention -- if not for the smell of paper in any more abundance than that of the feared "Dungeon Master's Guide." In addition to people who seem to think that they are some sort of caped crusaders, there are enormous clots of parents, crowded around the café as animals at a watering hole; casualties have only capped sixty or so, but the night is young.

There are people around every corner advertising their opinions on "The great Snape debate" which may even have me befuddled. Or would, rather, if I had the energy to give a rat's ass. Going beyond nerdy, they feel the need to parade around signs that would spoil the book for us, of course excluding the fact that there are two choices and half of the supporters will be absolutely wrong.

My favorite would be those types. You know, those. The ones who make a feeble attempt at the costume attempting not to embarrass themselves by appearing too nerdy, while simultaneously making a mockery of themselves by displaying no sense of creativity at all. These types range from the "Sharpie scar on forehead" types all the way to the "I'm wearing the robe from my scream Halloween costume" types. They can be identified by their glazed frowns, as well as their lack of friends. Also included in this category are the "I thought there would be cute girls here" types, of which I confess I may well have been one, and may well be as mistaken as I am bored. Which, for those who cannot make a simple inference, is more bored than Abe Lincoln's house.

Heh, get it? Bored? Board? Log cabin?

...Damn, I've succumbed to the dark side. Excuse me while I go find a sharpie.