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Why The French Are Cheesy

By Alex Stabile

Every once in a while, a question or two worth considering come up, such as “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” (Answer: Hens), or, “should I sleep through history class or not?” (Answer: No, wait until science).

            I would like to address a few important questions and their answers here, which are listed below:
1) In which country did French Fries originate?

2) What land was settled first?  Wisconsin, or France?

            Both of these questions have the same obvious answer: NOT France.  No, that was not a typo.  French fries actually, came from Belgium, but they were not called Belgium fries because:
a) The French copied the idea and got all the publicity, and
b) “Belgium Fries” sounds like “’Belch-Um’ Fries”

So now that we have established that the French are poseurs, we can come up with the correct answer to question two: Wisconsin.  The Wisconsinese (or WHATEVER) are nicknamed “Cheeseheads”, but no one has actually heard of any cheese-related items that are actually from Wisconsin.  However, France has known many cheesy things, such as Roquefort, Brie, French Onion Soup, The current Prime Minister’s name, etc.  The obvious answer to this is that after Wisconsin started making cheesy stuff, the French copied the idea and got all the publicity.  This is reminding me so much of Microsoft with Apple Computers.

            Now, you may have read the above paragraph and hesitated, thinking “What is the current Prime Minister’s name?”.  My answer to that is: LOOK IT UP! (It is the year 2005 for those of you who don’t know.).  But before seeing that, you may have hesitated upon seeing “French Onion Soup” in the list of cheesy things.  Before I get into that, Please answer the following questions:

1)      Do you like cheese?

2)      Do you like onion soup?

If you answered “No” to each question, then OK!  You are a normal person who does not like French Onion Soup.  If you answered “yes” for each question, then you are a normal person who DOES like French Onion Soup.  If you answered YES to one question, and NO to the other, then you are yet another normal, French Onion Soup enjoying person.  If you like cheese, but not French Onion Soup, you’re just plain weird.

Anyone who has had French Onion Soup knows what I’m talking about.  Despite the lack of “Cheese” in the title, there is probably more cheese in this soup than most other foods in the world (Combine).  A food analyzer, *WHO GETS PAID TO EAT FOOD* made the following statement: “For every 100 French Onion Soups prepared, enough cheese is used to make a full sized replica of the Eiffel Tower, except yellow.  Here is a do-it-yourself recipe for this popular dish:

Step 1- Buy onions

Step 2- Buy cheese

Step 3- Buy a bowl to prepare the food in

Step 4- Throw out the onions

Step 5- Lay out a two to five inch layer of cheese over whatever is currently in the bowl (Nothing) and heat until the cheese is chewy, but not effortlessly penetrable.

            There, wasn’t that fun and simple, yet delicious?  I can’t wait to live off this in college when the Atkins diet is cool again!  After millions of people hear about this brilliant recipe, all I’ll have to do is go to jail to become the next Martha Stewart!  So join me next time when I insult even more people/groups!

            Please contact me if you find out whom the French copied the Eiffel Tower from.