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Indiana
Jones and the Evil Ex-Nazi Who Wants to Blow up the World Using Some
Random Ancient Relic By
Luke Bean
Who says
we need Harrison Ford for Indiana Jones? We could say he had an extreme
makeover.
Everyone loves Indiana Jones. It provides the greatest entertainment on the big screen by showing sacrifices, traps, evil dudes with moustaches that could choke an elephant, and melting Nazis. Unfortunately for us Jones connoisseurs (I will not stand for movies where the bad guy doesn’t have an accent), Harrison Ford died last April of being rolled over by a giant boulder while escaping the Doom Dread Evil Curse of Montezuma (controlled by Nazis), so they stopped making the movies. This is outrageous. I propose we have a replacement right now. I even have an idea for the next movie. [Opening Scene. Lightning flashes, thunder booms. In a secret lab.] Evil Nazi (played by Regis Philbin):
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! Evil Nazi Lackey (played by Kelly Rippa): Hahaha!
Henchman (played by Albert Lebrun): What, boss?
Evil Nazi: Shhh! Frauline Mezzerschinitzeroscarmeyerwiener is telling the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi in a lifeboat! [University of Chicago. Indiana Jones is teaching class. Everyone is snoring, but he doesn’t notice.] Indiana Jones (played by Stephen Hawking, voice played by Robbie the Machine Voice Gizmo): And that is why dips in the landscape could possibly potentially maybe mean that- [phone rings]
President (played by Inspector Clueso)- Indiana Jones! There is an evil ex-Nazi who wants to blow up the world using some random ancient relic!
Indiana Jones- Well, what am I supposed to do
about it? President- I don’t know. Just saying. Say, can I have your recipe for cupcakes sometime? Indiana Jones- Sure. Just- [Meanwhile, elsewhere…] Evil Nazi Lackey- And then the rabbi says, “But I like cheese cupcakes!” Evil Nazi- Ha! That’s a good one! [Back at UC] President- You know what would be fun? Indiana Jones-Hmm? President- Let’s see if you can beat the evil ex-Nazi. You know, just for fun. Indiana Jones- Sounds good to me. But there is
one thing I need! President- What? Indiana Jones- A stunt double! [Later, at the CIA base] Stunt Double- What are these gadgets you have for me? Extremely Pretty Scientist/Relic Expert- We have the DoomZapBlasterLaserTron4000Watch, the newest model. That’s all you should need. Stunt Double- What does it do? EPS/RE- It tells time. Stunt Double- Anything else? EPS/RE- No. [At the lab of the Evil Nazi. Evil Nazi’s hand is floating above the button that will activate the relic.] Stunt Double- Not so fast, Evil Ex-Nazi! Evil Nazi- What? I’m not doing anything fast. I’m savoring the moment. Stunt Double- Huh? That’s not what I meant. I meant to say “Stop that right now, scum!” Evil Nazi- All I’m doing right now is listening to you. Shall I stop? Stunt Double- No! No! That’s not- Evil Nazi- La la la la laaaaa, I’m not listeninggggggg. Stunt Double- [On the verge of tears] Look, I’m just trying to sound macho here! Can’t you give me a break? Evil Nazi- Broken arm, or broken leg? Which would you like? Stunt Double- Look, if you destroy the world, then you’ll die too! Evil Nazi- I am prepared for that! Stunt Double- And Clifford, the Big Red Dog will be gone! Evil Nazi- Aaaghhhh! Not Clifford! You’re right. It is a bad idea. Evil Nazi Lackey- Wait, I need to give the punch line to the joke. Evil Nazi- Ok, do it. Evil Nazi Lackey- And then the cow says, “That’s one big skeleton!” Evil Nazi- AHHHH HAHAHA! [Pounds tale with fist in fits of laughter] That’s really a good one! Do you have any more like tha- [Hits button. World explodes. Roll credits.] Of course, I really don’t want the world to explode. That would mean no more Dave Barry columns. By the way, anyone who knows who Albert Lebrun is without Googling him earns my permanent admiration. J EDITOR'S
NOTE: |
(scary
enough normally)
