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Oregon Trail II - Zebulon’s Revenge

By Luke Bean

“Wow, look! Bison! They’re running this way! Look, kids!”

 -Last words of an ex - pioneer

             When we learn about the Oregon Trail in school, we are inevitably struck by a thought - provoking question; one that requires that we look deep inside ourselves for the answer-”Why do all these guys have names like either ’Elijah’ or ’Roaring Cauliflower? ’” Despite the fact that they all had seriously bizarre names that looked like they had been whipped up by chimps at typewriters, they were mostly normal people. With the exception of one person who had a name just too nutty to ignore - Zebulon Pike.

             However, interesting as I am sure Mr. Pike was, he is mostly remembered for his name. Unfortunately, this article is not about Zebulon Pike. It is about the Oregon Trail , though you may well see Mr. Pike again. (I might be able to fit Cornelius Vanderbilt in too.)

            When traveling west on the trail, families would pack up a handful of their most prized possessions (their plow, their oxen (or oxii, as the case may well be (I always forget)), their trinkets, their washing machines, their mooses (or meese, as the case may well be), their Pokémon ™ cards, their kitchen sink, etc.) and their average of fifty-seven children, all with names like Elijah, and set off. An average scene on the trail would be a bit like this.

Dad (Just FYI, in these days they had a slang word for Dad, ”Father”)  - QUIET BACK THERE! Elijah, stop picking your nose!

Kid 17 - Fa-ther, Jeremiah keeps poking me.

Kid 29 - Well, Ebenezer started it!

Mom (the slang for which was ”Mother”)  - Figure it out yourselves, kids.

Kid 8 - Are we there yet?

Dad - For the seven hundredth time, Ezra, no!

Kid 29, Phase II - EWWW! Elijah’s blowing his nose on me now!

Kid 46.3-BLLAAAUUGHHHHH

Mom - Honey, I told you we should have taken the exit at that rock that looks like Zebulon Pike’s head!

Dad - Oh, look, an Indian!

Mom - How quaint!

Indian - How. My name Roaring Cauliflower. Me speak pidgin English, own casino, and sell authentic Native American souvenirs with ”Made in China” stamped on the side.

Bison (or buffalo, as the case may well be) – Wow, what a bunch of nut jobs.

Other Bison/Buffalo - Absolute loonies, the whole species.

             At the end of the trail was their destination, Oregon, which is known today as California. They came out to search for gold, dreaming that they’d get rich as prospectors, only to find out that someone made up the gold as an April Fool’s Day joke. Instead, they started making movies and founded Hollywood, which was originally known as Hollywoodland, which sounds like a bad theme park, but is a completely different story.

             On the trail, there was a place known as Fort Laramie, named after its discoverer, Ezekiel Hathaway. The ”Fort” bit was because everybody thought it either looked like a chimney or a rather silly hat. It had historical importance.

             Remember four paragraphs ago when I said I’d get back to Zebulon Pike? I’m back. Zebulon Pike discovered a mountain called Pike’s Peak, which is an amazing coincidence when you think about it - a guy named Pike discovering a place called Pike! He also invented the snowcone and the nuclear - powered accordion. Cornelius Vanderbilt did a bunch of things, none of which are relevant to the Oregon Trail.

             Many people died of starvation, accidents, and disease on the Oregon Trail. Many people still die of starvation, accidents, and disease. Creepy, isn’t it? So, that’s about everything you need to know about the Oregon Trail - in other words, not very much. If you’ll excuse me, I think my cat Balthazar is having a hairball issue…