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Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

By Luke Bean

When the bold inventors were making these brilliant innovations, they asked themselves, “Why not?” Bet you wish they’d asked themselves why.

America is filled with the most useless items on the face of the planet. Who, but us geniuses, would have thought of such wonderful devices as the electric hammer? It saves you all the pain, anguish, and agony of having to actually whomp the nail in yourself When I asked the inventor of the electric hammer about this, he said eloquently, “Well, um, we had a hammer, and we had some, uh, electrical stuff, and, well, we just kinda made the hammer, and, yeah” This is the sort of great stride we need from our leaders in technology. This is what makes America great. This is what makes you ponder, think, wonder “What the heck is wrong with us people?” We have the constitutional freedom to waste our money pointlessly any way we choose, whereas in Cuba, they send around the Thought Police to anyone found guilty of using, purchasing, or saying the words electric can opener. They have it good there in Cuba.

Rubber Bands

I’m sorry, saying rubber bands are useless was a mistake. Rubber bands have many good uses; however, most of them were outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Some of the legal ways to use rubber bands include 1. Flicking at people, 2. Making tacky instruments for school projects, 3. Well, um... Yeah, two is enough, don’t you think? However, you should be very careful about these seemingly innocent objects. For the first thing, they aren’t made out of rubber; they’re made of some sort of plastic polymer or something. This is part of a massive CIA conspiracy to go to war with France or something. Also, if you dunk them in a glass of orange soda while unpinning a grenade, an explosion will ensue. It’s scary, but true. I’m writing my senator over that.

Medicine Bottle Caps

Have you ever wondered about the reason why medicine bottle caps are so darn hard to open, a reason unrelated to your little sister’s obsession with super glue? Now you have the answer. A few years back, the Official Department of Dangers, Blasphemy, Arson, Larceny, and Linguini Salad (ODDBALLS) thought about the dangers of medicine bottles. They needed a rule or something official so they could continue to get government funding, so they put on their thinking caps and decided that medicine bottles are terribly dangerous, on the grounds that you can hit people with them. They thought some more and decided that if the cap comes off, you can be hit with two bits instead of one. Therefore, whenever anyone, anywhere manages to get one of these open, whoever made the bottle gets sued for a zillion bajjilion dollars. Medicine bottle attacks have spiked downwards about 79% since this law was passed. It’s a bold step, but a step needed to save our great nation.

State Legislatures

These simply don’t exist. They’re just an excuse to have state stuff (e.g. state tree, state bird, state flower, state primate, state law firm, state head louse, etc.) Seriously have you ever gone out and voted for state councilman or whatever? Of course you haven’t! Not being given the vote has nothing to do with it, either. The only people who vote for state councilman either have names like “Tom the Toad” or “Queen Victoria” or have been dead for a few years.

Homework

Are you reading this, Ms. Piazza?

Football

Now, before I get lots of nasty remarks from people who have suffered brain damage playing football, I want to make something clear.  I have nothing against football. I love football. I mean, who wouldn’t love a game where four zillion ton steroid- pumped Goliaths bash each other into the ground over a leather ball? My only point is it doesn’t do anything. It entertains us and makes the beer industry rich beyond its wildest dreams, but frankly, if we didn’t have football, we’d watch MTV or HBO or TNT or something else with a snazzy three-letter acronym.

There you are; six of the most pointless things to blight America. We should take away funding from state legislatures and instead fund the Thought Police. They could even whack people with medicine bottles if they were feeling really mean.